This past Thursday, the 25th of July, 2019, my beloved bun, Apollo, passed away. He was in my life for only a few years, but he was the most important, wonderful, perfect pet I've ever had. Years ago, I was suffering from a very intense bout of depression. I decided I needed someone to take care of, and a bun seemed like just the ticket. When I found Apollo, I instantly knew that he was the companion for me. From his wide brown eyes to his short little ears, he was absolutely flawless. His presence relaxed me, and the way he hopped and raced around my feet put a smile on my face even when I didn't think I was capable of smiling. He helped pull me from my depressive hole and brought me back to stability. Having someone to take care of made me take better care of myself. Over time, he helped me to be happy again. His tiny, round, adorable face and his excitement for the small, intimate things in life gave me an appreciation for my own life that I hadn't previously had. His passing has been the hardest loss I've ever experienced. Even now, I sometimes forget that he's gone, and I expect to see his excited eyes and tiny paws up on the side of the cage when I enter my bedroom. Each time I realize he is no longer there, my heart breaks again. It hasn't gotten easier yet, but I hope that my pain will lessen over time. The last few days have been some of the darkest in a long while. Fortunately, when things are at their worst, I have a place I can go to hide from the things I wish had never happened. Writing gives me the chance to escape from things that I can't deal with in the moment and allows me to live in a world that makes sense. It's summer, which means I have a lot of free time. Free time also means time to think. If I'm not working on a project, all I can think about is the loss of my bun. Through books and writing stories, I can keep my mind off that subject for at least a few hours a day. As a result, I've been coming up with some new ideas for writing projects I can post here on my blog. I'm going to start writing a series of creative nonfiction essays called Snapshots. These short works will be snippets of my life, which I've been able to reflect on and gather meaning from. Additionally, I'm going to start a series called Dreamscapes. These fictional works will be created from dreams that I remember from the distant and recent past. I'll attempt to make a story from my dream, or at least what I remember, and in the process, I may be able to make some meaning out of my dreams as well. Loss is painful, and it takes time to overcome the squall of feelings which accompany it. However, the only way to feel normal is to do things you'd typically do. It can help you to work your way toward acceptance of the things you cannot change. My approach is through writing and reading books, but any art, passion or hobby would likely help. I've been doing my best to remember that my bun, who has brought me so much happiness, wouldn't want me to live my life in depression. He would want me to be happy, the way we were while he was here in this physical world by my side. Now that he's on my shoulder - a round and fluffy little angel - I know he's hoping that all his work, and all the joy he taught me to have, won't be undone. I'll keep distracted for him. Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to be happy on my own again.
1 Comment
7/29/2019 06:16:41 pm
Tru, thank you for sharing all your thoughts and feelings, I am deeply inspired by the way you channeled this experience, shared it with such clear articulation, and are using it to channel artistry. You are so cool! I love you!
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What?The ramblings of a writer with her head in the clouds. When?
July 2019
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