A few years back, when I was in beauty school studying to be a hairdresser, I started to get burned out. After a few weeks of being on my feet for 10 hours a day, I found myself with sore arms, feet, legs - even a sore butt - and I started to question my life choices. Was this really worth it? Was I cut out for the hairstyling life? I couldn't even get through a couple of weeks without my body falling apart. Maybe I couldn't do this. "...the most essential thing that beauty school taught me was not how to cut or colour hair, it was how to complete something even when I don't want to." As it turns out, I'm actually not cut out for salon life. I don't have the passion for styling that it takes to work that hard on other people's hair. Hairdressers are some of the hardest working people in the world, and though I respect them, writing is more my speed. In the end, I did complete my hairdressing program. I even still take a few clients to this day. However, the most essential thing that beauty school taught me was not how to cut or colour hair, it was how to complete something even when I don't want to. Completing my certification, even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted long term, gave me a confidence boost that I carry with me to this day. It taught me that I have the strength and willpower to follow through, even when it feels too hard. I've learned I can trust myself, and I've learned that other people can depend on me, which gives me a strong belief in my own character. The more things I do that I don't want to do, or think I can't do, the more my self-esteem grows. Sometimes I wonder if I owe the completion of my certification to some sort of motivation. Some lightning in a bottle that I may never capture again. That kind of thinking starts to sneak up on me when I'm feeling my worst. Truthfully, I think that it is simply not the right way to look at things. Instead, I believe I owe my success to how I imagined myself, and my abilities, throughout my program. I would often visualize myself completing my education and working in a salon. The more I imagined myself as someone who could finish school, the easier it became to work toward that goal without fear. "...fear does not mean defeat." Through visualizing my own success, I rid myself of the anxiety that I couldn't handle what I was experiencing. In the process, I realized motivation wasn't what I needed. What I needed was the belief that I could handle anything life gave me. Sometimes I find myself convinced that I cannot succeed in a particular environment. At one time, that environment was a university. For many years, I wasn't sure if I could excel the way I wanted to in that kind of competitive atmosphere. In fact, I had people around me, counsellors and advisors in high school and college, who would warn me about how difficult university was. It almost felt like they too didn't think I would survive. As a straight-A university student, I can tell you that fear does not mean defeat. Before I entered my university, I spent a lot of time imagining that I was successful there. When I arrived, I used the behaviours and habits I had envisioned for myself to work my way through my first year. Motivation came and went during that time, but the thing that kept me going was the belief that I could handle it. Motivation - the desire to get things done - won't always be around. Some days I feel I can conquer the world. Other days all I want to do is sleep. One thing I always carry around is the belief that, no matter what happens, I'll be okay. No matter what situation I find myself in, I'll know what to do. This mindset allows me to get through even the most difficult days. Days when I don't feel motivated to do anything at all. Even just the ability to remind myself that I've earned a break, and can do whatever needs to be done at a later time, comforts and propels me. "...the harder something is, the more rewarding it often turns out to be." To be honest, I have to wonder if real motivation exists. Maybe that's just what we call it when we have the energy to do everything we want to do in a day. Is it possible that motivation isn't the golden key to success? Maybe instead, the key to success is to remember that you're as capable as you believe yourself to be.
Even when something is hard, that doesn't mean you can't do it. Actually, I find that the harder something is, the more rewarding it often turns out to be. Discomfort is where growth happens. If something is too easy, is it even worth your time?
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How do you achieve a sense of personal value? What I've learned on my journey is that personal value boils down to how you choose to live your life. When I first started my journey of self-love, I had spent the previous years of my life living as someone I didn't value. This way of living was one of the biggest reasons why I was constantly searching for validation and confirmation of value from others. One day, after years of losing myself in others expectations, I realized I didn't know who I was anymore. Not long after that wake up call, I decided I needed to ask myself a few questions. The first question was what values do I look for in others when I decide if I should include them in my life? The next was do I trust myself and could I be trusted to make the right life choices? Then I asked, would it be okay if I failed? What if I made the wrong choices sometimes? And finally, when I discovered my truth, could I live that truth without apologizing for it? The long and short of it is that I'm still on this journey of self-love. However, I have uncovered a lot of inspiration on my journey and I want to share my insights with people who might be looking for their own answers.
I began by weighing the importance of traits I valued in others, and it turns out my answers were easy to figure. Love, friendship, kindness, honesty, respect, forgiveness and loyalty are my most basic values. Then I realized that these are the things that I expect from others, so they also need to be the things I expect from myself. And that before I can ask them of anyone else, I must first be able to embody them on my own. It was then that things became a little clearer for me. In order to be a happier person, to value myself more, I needed to align what I valued with how I behaved. Slowly I began treating myself with the same love and friendship, kindness, honesty, respect, forgiveness and loyalty that I would expect from my closest friends. It wasn't long before I could put into words what I wanted from myself; to establish a firm set of values and personify them. Reach a place where my thoughts, words, actions, desires and beliefs all existed in harmony. Only then could I feel at peace with my life. Finally things had started to fall into place, and from there, the momentum of what I was discovering began to break through other barriers too. The next wall I had to demolish was the one I had built to separate who I thought I should be from who I really am. To do this, I had to question whether or not I could trust myself. Admittedly, I had to think pretty hard about that one, because when you don't trust yourself, you suspect everything you tell yourself to be a lie. Eventually I concluded that I hadn't trusted myself in a very long time, and a lot of my past had been spent treating myself with disrespect and dishonesty. I had put myself down, lied to myself about my needs, and abused myself until I was too confused to fight back. Just thinking about that behavior, it became obvious that I hadn't been treating myself with love. Now I had to decide if I could forgive myself for those transgressions. It took a long time, but I've come a long way on my journey since then. I'm proud to say that I do trust myself now, because I've decided to offer myself the same loyalty that I offer others, the same love. The interesting thing I found along the way was that the more I forgave, the easier it was to forgive. Now I find it easier than ever to forgive myself for all my mistakes, ones I have made before, and the ones I will make in the future. This breakthrough led me quite easily to my next question. Could I still treat myself with forgiveness if I failed? Sometimes I still struggle with this, the challenging problem of treating myself badly when I fail. It has been hard to concern myself more with what is right for me than what other people's expectations are. A lot of my personal value was previously balanced on a delicate scale weighing other people's expectations against my own. Needless to say, the weight hadn't been properly distributed. The question now remained, could I discover the right balance, and how would I go about tipping the scales in my favor? Through extensive soul searching and learning, I was able to come to a conclusion which, while it's not an easy answer, is - I'm grateful to say - a simple one. What you think controls what you feel. It’s so simple and yet complexly poetic. My thoughts control my emotions, and I had convinced myself that I was powerless to change what those thoughts were. Fortunately, when this realization hit me, I was launched into action. Again I set out searching my soul for answers and finally I happened upon a technique - thought replacement. It begins by checking in with myself and my thoughts; next I assess what I am thinking; then asking how it has made me feel; I ask if it serves me; if not, I replace it with something that does. The beauty of this is that it is as straightforward as it is dactylic. Unfortunately, it's not a matter of a one, two, three, magic solution. Like poetry, there are nuances to this technique, and I've only just begun to master it. So what was my next hurdle shaping up to be? It turned out that the next thing I learned was also going to be the most important. It was the act of living life without apologizing for it. The hardest part about this is that there are so many barriers, so many ways in which life tries to make you feel sorry, that sometimes the road feels insurmountable. Maybe you're not thin enough, so you're asked to feel ashamed of that. Or perhaps you're not the right colour, well then you better regret it. Maybe what you love isn't what others agree is important. You had better feel downright chastened for that one. After facing that kind of reproach daily, it became impossible not to internalize it and start telling myself it was what I deserved. But, after learning so much about how to treat myself with value, nothing felt right about that belief system anymore. It had made sense when I was afraid, but that fear - the false evidence appearing real (thanks, Infinite Waters) - was holding me back from achieving my true potential. So I started weighing my values again, I began to reinforce my trust in them. When that happened, I began to be okay with it when things didn't work out and when I clashed hard with other people. In the end, it became obvious that I had nothing to apologize for, I never had. By living my life authentically, I was finally living a life I valued, and in doing so, I'd found the value in myself. Before long, it didn't bother me when someone's values didn't match mine, and I wasn't sorry for it. Because I now knew that the differences between us are what give our world its value. And honoring them is the only way I can think of to allow myself and others to live fully and joyfully. The best part about this whole journey has definitely been the friends I've made. Through loving myself and gaining a deeper connection with my truth, I have learned to connect deeply with others again. In the end, the best friend I have is myself. Not only because I'm always there, every step of the way, but because I’ve taught myself valuable lessons I could never have learned otherwise. By spending time caring for and valuing me, it's loosed the energy I need to be able to spend more time caring for others. And at the end of the day, what makes me feel best and most valuable is what I can do for the people around me. Now I choose to live with a deep connection to myself and others, and those choices have showed me my personal value in a way no one else’s approval or confirmation ever could have. |
What?The ramblings of a writer with her head in the clouds. When?
July 2019
Where? |